Experiment…

  
As a writer it has amazed me how playing with words can have a huge impact on how well we bring a story to life. Simply adding, taking away or changing the order of words can bring a story to life instantly. 

I have written the very short extract below as a bit of an experiment. It bares no relevance to any work in progress but I would welcome your feedback. Does it work for you? Does it leave you wanting more? Do you feel what Aidan is feeling? The answers to these questions are more useful than you think and constructive criticism is always welcome too! I look forward to hearing from you. Mark 
‘As he stumbled out of the house to heavy rain and strong winds, Aidan knew they would not be too far behind him. His blurred vision courtesy of the drug that had now taken control of each muscle in his body coupled with the medicinal smell of sterilising solution made him feel nauseous and desperate. Struggling to overcome each wave of sickness with every step, he kept going. He felt his way along each garden from wall to wall innocently unaware that he had completed a full circle and was heading straight for them. The wind rushed through him like a steam train robbing him of every sound along the way. Then suddenly, the world went dark.’

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8 comments

  1. Jasne · November 19, 2015

    Interesting experiment!

    So. The first three sentences are awesome. The first and the third convey what Aidan is sensing. The second, sandwiched in the middle, looks a bit odd – this must be what Aidan is thinking, but if he’s on drugs, how is he managing to think in such long complex sentences? Hey, maybe he’s a scientist or a lawyer or something, and thinks like that no matter what. Or it’s a weird drug that affects the muscles, but not the mind. Or something else equally interesting.Tell me more!

    Then comes the fourth sentence. Aidan being innocently unaware of having made a circle, who is it that’s experiencing this? Oh, yeah, right, you the author and me the reader – but we’re not in any actual danger. Tension broken. The fact that we’re then going back to what Aidan is sensing doesn’t fix it – now I just feel like I’m being jerked between different POV’s. and that’s really annoying. When you switch from 3rd person limited to 3rd person omniscient, I’m annoyed that the previous sentences were just your words and not Aidan’s experiences, as I had thought. When you switch back to 3rd person limited, I’m annoyed again, because now you’re witholding information (if we’d stayed in omniscient, I would’ve gotten to see the attack, or Aidan bumping into a tree, or whatever it was that knocked him out).

    Still, I do want to know more. If this were the beginning of a longer story, I don’t think the POV issue would have thrown me enough not to continue reading for at least a few paragraphs more. I would definitely want to learn how that drug got into Aidan, who’s after him, and generally what the heck is going on. I don’t know Aidan well enough to worry about him yet – especially since, because of the unclear POV, I’m not sure if that second sentence is Aidan’s voice or yours – but I am curious to find out what happens next. Good hook 🙂

    Like

    • drakes1 · November 19, 2015

      That’s great feedback! Thank you very much indeed. Switching POV is definitely something to work on. I think this being completely off the cuff with no back story at all had made it even more of a challenge. The hook is the main thing. I want people to feel what my characters feel throughout my novel so I can’t wait to finish it and start the editing process. Thanks again, Mark.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Jasne · November 19, 2015

        You’re welcome! Too bad there’s no more of that story – I really would’ve liked to know what’s next 🙂

        Like

  2. Elisabeth Zguta · November 20, 2015

    Hi Mark – just informing you that I listed you on my site for the Blog Award. I appreciate how you put yourself out there often – keep writing. http://ezindiepublishing.com/2015/11/20/blog-award/

    Liked by 1 person

    • drakes1 · November 20, 2015

      Hi Elisabeth, thank you very very much indeed. I feel privelaged! Take care and thanks again. Mark

      Liked by 1 person

  3. itsmayurremember · December 14, 2015

    It works.

    You could have ended with He turned full circle. I would have done that

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Nandini Bharadwaj · December 16, 2015

    Hi, Mark! Found your website through the Daily Post blog. It’s a really interesting read and I like the idea of capturing the wiring process in a series of blog posts. I want to try that too one day and hopefully I will.
    Coming to the story, the snippet is very intriguing and I have so many questions that I’d like answered. It is good enough to reel anyone in. I also find the genre you’re writing in very interesting, so that may have influenced my opinion.
    The negative, like Jasne has already mentioned, is that the second sentence is convoluted and takes away from the tension of the situation. I think shorter sentences will set the pace better.
    I am very intrigued by what little I have read and really admire your work. Good luck with the rest of your book!

    Liked by 1 person

    • drakes1 · December 16, 2015

      Hi Nandini, thank you very much indeed for stopping by and for your detailed feedback. It is very much appreciated. Hopefully you can follow and I’ll keep you updated with the book. Good luck to you too. Take care. Mark

      Like

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